Thursday, January 29, 2009

Jordan's JACKHOLES - Episode 1

It's a moral imperative that I do this...."Jordan's Jackholes".
There is soooo much Good/Bad viral video on the web that I'm afraid you're missing some of the Best/Worst of it. And I can't sleep knowing that.
Plus, let's be honest, what else are you going to do at work... work?
I need to devote at least one weekly blog segment to people attempting impossible stunts, getting caught in salaciously stupid acts, dumb criminals (as if are there any other kind), animals attacking, drunk celebs (or celebs attacking drunk animals) and radio D.J.s doing idiotic things with "Sham Wows".
In general... moronic activities that show no bias toward church, creed or political affiliation... but are simply placed on the world-wide inter-web for us to enjoy from a nice, safe distance.
Let's begin down under, in Australia, where we see a news report on two criminals attempting (poorly) to escape - after being handcuffed AND pepper-sprayed- and being caught(not by the long arm of the law) but the tall, static presence of.... a light pole. Enjoy.

Until Next Time... Do Not Attempt At Home - go to your neighbors.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009


Y'know the old saying,
"No good deed goes unpunished."

Don't I know it sister.
In the spirit of community I brought in a plastic Halloween pumpkin and loaded it with candy. My thought was that it would bring people together in the harmony that only a free candy dish can. My office (shared by Elwood and Roxanne) would be this calm oasis of gathering where co-workers would walk hand in hand, as equals, while sharing Laffy Taffy.
Boy do I feel like a Dum Dum.
Going into it I knew that some would contribute and make an effort to "feed the pumpkin" but the majority of the time it would be left to me - fine - buy the pumpkin fill the pumpkin. I decided after filling the pumpkin numerous time (with no contributions from my fellow employees) to institute a you eat it you fill it policy... I'm beginning to regret that decision- as pictured above.
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT? I'm pretty sure the pictured sucker came from either the 13th consecutive level of hell or the island of misfit candy. I bring in Smarties, Sprees and SweetTarts. Other people are bringing in candy that isn't fit for the depression-era candy dish on your grandmas coffee table - minus the eye glass lenses, batteries, cough drops, and buttons.
For now.
What was once a pinnacle of pumpkin pride has been reduced to a recepticle of unwanted, bottom-of-the-glove-box sticks of gum and unwrapped cash register mints.
Thanks for coming together and celebrating in candy equality.
Can't wait for someone to replace my aloe Kleenex box with 80 grain sandpaper.
Until next time...


From the title of this blog (I'm still getting used to that word) you'd think this would be about porn film titles. If I titled it "Shaving Ryan's Privates" or "Foreskin Hump" possibly... but my main bitch today is about paper.
Living in the "Paper Valley", paper is an essential part of our community but it's also a tremendous burden on those of us who are... let's say... responsible.
What the hell is it with people not replacing paper products when they are emptied?
Responsible people finish the last square of t.p., the final sheet of toweling or the last in a ream of printer paper and replace it with a fresh batch. The remaining 99% of the population doesn't.
THIS WEEK ALONE -IN THIS BUILDING - I, me, John - son of Barbara, have had to change the printer and toilet paper twice and the break room hand towels three times!!!!!
And this was a good week.
The most aggravating thing though isn't when people leave the cupboard bare, but when they leave one little sheet clinging by it's last fibrous strand to the tube - passing the responsibility on to the next poor sap.
Tree Pun intended.

I believe we are legally required to replenish whatever the paper stock we use - invoking a long standing, and little used codicil in the "he/she who wipes last" rule of thumb - or whatever digits you use.
OK, it may be one of those yellow let it mellow brown flush it down unwritten rules of society - but what about simple common sense and courtesy to your fellow man?
I will leave you with my philosophical question of the day;
If a paper roll is emptied and no one is around... does it get changed?
The answer isn't found through a Decartian-level discussion but in an unfortunate but resounding.... NO!

If you see the tube.... don't be a boob.